Lately I have been concerned.
I can't seem to find joy like I used to. I used to be able to find joy in the simplest of things, such as sitting outside on a beautiful day, reading a good book, delving into my thoughts... and such as. But lately I feel like I am in hole... no that's not the right word (so I open up the dictionary on my dock and look up 'hole')... the right word might be sty (which is basically a pig pen). I know that sounds weird, but I really do feel like I am in a pig pen. I feel like mud is trapping me and I can't bring myself up to breathe in some fresh air. Everything feels very drab and monotonous.
I guess the monotony is because I have been doing the same routine for 2 straight months. I need a place to go where I can go and refresh myself.
I miss the Carnton Confederate Cemetery. It is the one place I can always go back to when I go to Franklin and it is the exact same. It was my place to get away from everyone and feel myself with God. I could walk there from my house (when I lived in Franklin) and spend time with myself and God (which I have learned that I desperately need everyday). I have to have time to reflect, to think ahead, and to think about where I am right now. I am surrounded by two cemeteries here in Memphis but I don't want to just walk to it and driving to it defeats the purpose. I need a place to walk. That's away... away from the sty I am in right now. I just need to get away.
I wish I had a church to go to... but my church here is... just not cutting it. I don't think churches are worth it for me anymore. I am falling away from Christianity. I am falling away from the religion. I want to work on my personal relationship with Jesus Christ and who is to tell me how to do it besides God? I don't like sitting in a pew having a preacher tell me what to do. I want to think for myself. Discover things myself. That is why I love and miss Mosaic so much. I don't feel as if I am being preached at. I feel as if Gary is telling us what he has learned and is letting us do what we like with the information. He gives us room to think, room to find ourselves in our journey.


Maybe I will just have to suck it up and drive somewhere to get away. I wish I just had the money for gas to drive to Franklin. I could really use Carnton cemetery right now. Luckily a long weekend in Georgia is in store this weekend. I plan on enjoying every moment of being away and fishing... a lot.

Anxious

Recently I have been obsessed with watching movies. I love to sit and watch a good movie.

I love God, my walk as a Christian, my family, my fo realz friends, my dogs, chapstick, laughing at stupid stuff, movies, good books, walking down memory lane, live music, celebrity gossip, organization, Spongebob Squarepants, mixes and random playlists, sudoku, hot tubs, the smell of hotels, Belmont University, Parmesan Goldfish, hot chocolate, hot tea, shoes (especially weird shoes), seeing old friends, discussing LOST with my mom, plaid clothing, downtown Franklin, Carnton cemetery, cemeteries in general, purses, CDs, Love Spell, San Francisco, dancing like crazy, dance parties, maps, candles, photo albums, post-it notes, traveling, random road trips, my grandparent's lake, living in the beauty of God's creation, LOVE

"I want to be loved, and have love, and give love (and not just that romantic kind either)"
-Bradley Hathaway





"Don't worry about the world ending today, it's already tomorrow in Australia."
-Charles Schultz

"It's Beautiful"

"It's Beautiful" Eleventyseven

I wish that You would tell me how
You know me well and want to be together
Fallen short and faded out
But You keep making gardens in this desert

Despite the grace that I dismissed
Forgiveness was the catalyst
To penetrate my heart with what is true

It's beautiful
You can turn mistakes to miracles
The way that You still love me after all
It's beautiful

Redeem the years I've thrown away
I'm ready to make good on what I've wasted

I'm asking You to shape my heart
I want to be Your work of art
'Cause when You change me
And make me more like You

So help me God forbid
I never take for granted
This endless gift You give

B Hath Magic

Bradley Hathaway "The Hug Poem"

I read about how you touched them and they were healed
Or even if someone just touched your cloak they were forever changed
You let a broken women bathe your feet in her tears
And you washed your best friend’s feet
I am just wondering though did you just ever hug people

I mean I know that it is a silly question and all I am sure you would have why wouldn’t you
But its one of those things that was never mentioned that got me thinking about it

And how whenever there was a touch from you sins were forgiven and sickness fell
I think I’m caught up in my sins last time I checked all my body parts were properly working, nothing special here
I am just a kid with a heavy heart these passing sunrises and sunsets

I don’t think our encounter would have ended up in the gospels or anything
Because all I really need is a hug
That is ok for me to imagine right
That’s not going to be conflicting with any sort of theology is it
Ok good, then hug me

But not one of these side ways one arm around the neck type hugs
Or the ghetto right hand clasp fists elbows to chest pit pat on the back back
Or you put your right arm over my right arm and I put my left arm over your left arm and we make this weird sort of diagonal thing
Nah none of those

BEAR HUG ME MAN
Take your old school carpenter arms and throw them over my upper body leaving my arms dangling underneath yours somewhere and I can barely move them because your squeezing so hard
But don’t pick me up and make my back pop because I hate it when people do that

And hold me, hold me here in your arms until I start to cry because
I WANT TO CRY
But I just can’t seem to do it on my own
I have been teary eyed once recently but not even enough for a drip down my cheek
Theres just hurt in my soul that needs to be purged so hold me in this hold pose until the pain is flowing from my eyes and nose

Home is Where the Heart Is

Being home is possibly one of the greatest feelings.
And right now, the WHOLE family is here. Not just the parents, but both brothers, sister-in-law, and my brother's new puppy! I love when the whole family is here because it definitely reminds me of being a child. Especially Easter. We still dye eggs and have a big hunt. I love the traditions of my family on holidays. I'm looking forward to waking up tomorrow and having the whole Diller clan here.
It has been wonderful to see friends too. One of my favorite feelings ever is going to a friend you haven't seen in a long time and when the two get together, it's like no time has passed at all. That's a true friendship right there.

But on a sour note: BELMONT SHOULD HAVE BEAT DUKE LAST NIGHT! FREAKING ONE POINT!

Love for the Art of Music

I discovered today that for the past 6 months that I have been in college, I have learned everything that I am not. I don't feel like I am learning who I am... just who I am not. I don't know if that is a good thing or not.
(Side note: I have been away from home for 6 months!! That's a long time without my family... I'm proud of myself!)
Anyway... I have realized what I don't like, what I am not, what I don't like to do... and such and so on. But the more I think about that, the more I think that that is unhealthy. I should be focusing on things I am or things that I like to do/can do. Positive attitudes really do go far.

On a completely different note:
This past weekend was probably one of the better weekends I have had while in college. Friday night I saw two bands that don't matter, My American Heart, Madina Lake, and Aiden. I haven't really been a big fan of My American Heart for a while because they are a little pop-ish for my tastes, but on Friday they blew me away. I don't know what happened between the first time I saw them and the other night, but they became this amazing band that I would love to see again. Not to mention that the bassist was very attractive! Madina Lake... I had high expectations for them because they were way fun the first time I saw them back at the Skatepark about a year and a half ago. They met their expectation! I have a feeling that the lead singers staple is jumping off things. He totally jumped off the highest speaker (maybe 10 feet high) into a crowd of possibly 70-ish people. I doubt there were even 100 people there. He is one insane guy, but the whole show was fun nonetheless. Aiden... not much to say except they were good musicians but I find no good in their... show. They are just not my kind of band.
Saturday was amazing with nothing but a McKay's run with Kristin to get some fun movies and CDs for way cheap and laying around watching those movies and collaging with my favorite RA!
Sunday was the typical Mosaic in the morning- which is always great! Then Sunday evening was the event of my month! The only thing that can possibly top it is Egypt Central on the 27th! FREAKING RELIENT K!!!! The whole ordeal was just amazing! 12th and Porter is sketchy as anything but I am totally used to that with The Complex (good times). The first band was just an acoustic set of brothers from the band The Lonely Hearts and I thought they were pretty good. The picture above is of one of them and I am so proud of that picture! The next band was The Mean Tambourines and they were a lot of fun! Both were local bands so I hope to see them both again! But Relient K was so fun! I was pretty much right in front of Matt Theissen which totally made it that much more awesome!!! He is such a nice guy not to mention an amazing musician with a heart totally for God! Such a great thing!!

Now comes the madness that is the week before Spring Break. I am praying for survival!

Learning How to Deal

When do you ever finally learn how to deal with life? It's a constantly changing whirlwind of disasters, triumphs, and dull moments.
The only reason we get through life... well I get through life is because of moments that probably take up maybe 5% of my life- the unforgettable moments that are breath-taking and moments that I wish I could bottle up because in that moment I feel complete happiness. I feel as if nothing is wrong in the world just for that moment.
Because of those small tid bits of life, I can get through times that make me want to crawl in a hole forever.

The 'O' in the 'XO'

I love hugs.
That is just a plain simple fact.
I love hugs.
But what I don't love so much... the fact that the amount of hugs I get on a daily basis has decreased dramatically since coming to college. There is nothing that I love more than hugging someone. Not just the awkward side hug or the tap-on-the-back hug, but the real embrace where you can almost feel the other person's heartbeat. The fact that someone cares enough to their precious energy (which is hard to come by in college) to give a real hug says more than words can describe. The phrase actions speak louder than words would be perfect right here. Actions speak louder than words.
I do have a select few friends who do hug almost every time you see them, and I feel as though they are way under appreciated.
Psychological studies have shown that hugs are a valuable part of our human interaction and that a simple hug can make a world of difference.
I wish that people weren't so afraid to just hug every once in a while.

Reality TV is taking over

Why is reality TV so widely popular? I watch it, so I'm not really one to speak, but it gets more outrageous with every new crazy show that comes on. Especially with the writer's strike the amount of reality shows has just gone over the top. And dating shows, these shows are just plain trashy now. And, honestly, who thinks they will find true love from randomly selected contestants that are chosen just by their looks and ability to create drama to keep viewers. Seriously Flavor of Love I, II, and now III!! Rock of Love I & II, That's Amore- a spin off of A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila, I Love New York I & II off of Flavor of Love, and The Bachelor is on it's what, 10th season?
I think reality "love" series have had their run...