Lately I have been concerned.
I can't seem to find joy like I used to. I used to be able to find joy in the simplest of things, such as sitting outside on a beautiful day, reading a good book, delving into my thoughts... and such as. But lately I feel like I am in hole... no that's not the right word (so I open up the dictionary on my dock and look up 'hole')... the right word might be sty (which is basically a pig pen). I know that sounds weird, but I really do feel like I am in a pig pen. I feel like mud is trapping me and I can't bring myself up to breathe in some fresh air. Everything feels very drab and monotonous.
I guess the monotony is because I have been doing the same routine for 2 straight months. I need a place to go where I can go and refresh myself.
I miss the Carnton Confederate Cemetery. It is the one place I can always go back to when I go to Franklin and it is the exact same. It was my place to get away from everyone and feel myself with God. I could walk there from my house (when I lived in Franklin) and spend time with myself and God (which I have learned that I desperately need everyday). I have to have time to reflect, to think ahead, and to think about where I am right now. I am surrounded by two cemeteries here in Memphis but I don't want to just walk to it and driving to it defeats the purpose. I need a place to walk. That's away... away from the sty I am in right now. I just need to get away.
I wish I had a church to go to... but my church here is... just not cutting it. I don't think churches are worth it for me anymore. I am falling away from Christianity. I am falling away from the religion. I want to work on my personal relationship with Jesus Christ and who is to tell me how to do it besides God? I don't like sitting in a pew having a preacher tell me what to do. I want to think for myself. Discover things myself. That is why I love and miss Mosaic so much. I don't feel as if I am being preached at. I feel as if Gary is telling us what he has learned and is letting us do what we like with the information. He gives us room to think, room to find ourselves in our journey.


Maybe I will just have to suck it up and drive somewhere to get away. I wish I just had the money for gas to drive to Franklin. I could really use Carnton cemetery right now. Luckily a long weekend in Georgia is in store this weekend. I plan on enjoying every moment of being away and fishing... a lot.